can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize