I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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