just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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