heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
