Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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