It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
