Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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