There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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