Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
