yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize