I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
