Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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