dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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