to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
