god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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