that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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