Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
