there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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