just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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