i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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