i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Drake has all the answers
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
