just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
