There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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