All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
