I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
