I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
