so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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