did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
