The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
