i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
