My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
