Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize