Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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