Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
