I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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