i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dignity is for republicans.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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