Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
