You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
