____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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