you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
