Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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