apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
