please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize