took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
