i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
