I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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