I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
