my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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