My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
