Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
