Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
