i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
