i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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