Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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