I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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