I accidentally burped into my bong.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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