I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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