My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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