last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
