i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
