I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
