This house was built for laser tag.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
