I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
