i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
