No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
